What the Hill

My biggest problem with Star Wars

So I’ve been thinking about the Star Wars prequels lately, specifically Episode III, and I can think of a whole list of complaints, but only one real QUESTION that the movies bring out of me:

WHY IS DARTH VADER DARTH VADER?

Let me explain: we learn who Darth Vader IS, but we never learn why.  He’s some stupid-ass kid whose love of Natalie Portman turns him evil.  Makes perfect sense, right*?            

But here’s what gets me: Obi-Wan slices Anakin’s limbs off and then yells his love at him and walks away, leaving Anakin stranded on the “high ground.”  I get that.  But then the Emperor comes and is all “Let’s save him,” so he brings the de-limbed Anakin to the robot doctors who turn him into Darth Vader.  And that bothers me, because the first time we see the famous black suit it’s just as a medical apparatus that they throw Anakin in to make him walk and rule the galaxy, etc.  This leads me to believe that the Darth Vader suit and breathing helmet are standard in the galaxy’s medical field, and that is the opposite of the way it should be.  If I made the movie, we would have a scene where there’s a dirty old space blacksmith creating the suit in his smelly disgusting workshop and the Emperor would be in the corner going “Yes…yes” as he looks at his blueprints for “The ultimate robot suit” or whatever it’s called.  The fact that the Darth Vader suit is just thrown into the movie at the last minute is a giant “fuck you” to the fans who like to think the suit is special and badass.  It’s just in the movie to make you go “Hey!  Look!  You’ve seen this before, haven’t you!” as opposed to making you think about the overwhelming power this Vader guy has over the galaxy, and it sucks.  Star Wars is special, and having the suit just pop up without any explanation beyond “he has no limbs and now he does” is just stupid and disappointing.

You may say I’m nitpicking, but I say nay!  I am advocating for the truth!  USA!  USA!

Just a heads-up, this is probably not going to be my last post about Star Wars.  It’s a matter on which I have a lot to say.

See you next time!

—Ryan

*(highly debatable, and I’ll probably devote a future post to this)

My Response to “The Great Gatsby” Trailer

So the director of Moulin Rouge is making a movie of your beloved Gatsby and now you’re upset that your favorite book is ruined or whatever.  Don’t be ridiculous.  I saw the trailer for the first time this morning and it’s been on my mind all day, but not in a completely negative way.

I share a lot of my feelings with you: I do think there was an over-use of CGI and the trailer’s soundtrack annoyed me bit, but overall I’m fine with the trailer.  Really.  Adaptations are an important part of the cinematic landscape, and I guarantee you many of your favorite movies are adapted from an earlier work.  

The best thing about an adaptation is this though: IT’S AN ADAPTATION.  Not a replacement, not something meant to destroy its source material forever, but an ADAPTATION.  The Gatsby movie that the trailer depicts is a vision of the book that the movie’s director, producer, production designer, and creative team share.  It’s not supposed to be the definitive vision of Fitzgerald’s book because the job of the reader is to develop their own vision of a book based on the imagery and character descriptions the book presents (this can be said of any adaptation of a work: it’s only a small group’s vision, it doesn’t have to be yours.  When I first saw they were remaking Total Recall  I wasn’t upset at all.  I was excited to see a whole new vision of Philip K. Dick’s short story come to life, and I still am!)  The Gatsby trailer shows an incredibly strong vision that, presented in the trailer, is astounding.  Though Gatsby is not one of my favorite books of all time, is still an amazingly rich and timeless story; the fact that the source material can inspire such a strong vision is a testament to Fitzgerald’s power as a writer.  From the trailer, I don’t see images that make me angry or upset that Hollywood could do such a thing, I only see a great book coming to life in a new and interesting way.  That’s pretty cool.

In summary, don’t get mad that they’re adapting that book you read in high school English class, get excited that the moviemakers love the book as much as you do.  Adaptations don’t always work on the big screen (I’m looking at you, The Last Airbender  you piece of shit), but when they do (what’s up Blade Runner and the previously-thought-impossible-and pointless-to adapt Pirates of the Caribbean) they can be truly amazing.  Seeing the Gatsby trailer I think the movie has great potential, and I’m excited for it.  Come Christmas we’ll see for sure, that’s for sure!

This writing thing is fun.  Expect to see more from me this summer now that I have free time!

—Ryan

Recent Poetry I Wrote While Standing Up

On Grammar

In all seriousness

no one will care

if you misplace

a semicolon;

as a matter of fact I

do it all the time

just to spite the fact

that we trust that what

we read is correct

both gramatically

and in terms of

agreeable content

but the truth is

that no one cares

about the semicolon;

when was the last

time you used one?

by your own

will

I can guarantee it was never

because

someone always tells you

to use a semicolon

and you never do it for yourself

unless you wanted to rebel

despite me thinking

of no worse form of rebellion

than a semicolon; 

never to be a full colon.

My insides as a semicolon

would kill me

because I need them all

the time and

I can’t stand

when I am told that

using a semicolon can

be helpful in separating

thoughts but from my 

experience a more useful

method of separating thoughts

is just to separate your

goddam thoughts;

long sentences annoy me

and I asume everyone else

feels the same way

because reading a long sentence

is in and of itself

a long sentence

that I do not want

to carry out

because I would rather

spend my time

separating the fibers

of a piece of paper

with tweezers

eight and a half

times eleven times

than run on and on

about I dont even

know what; at this point

it’s talking for the sake

of talking but

no words are being said.

You read this in your head.

Fuck The Big Bang Theory

Nothing else need be written.

The title says it all.

Guy Walks Into a Bar Poem

You look at the road beneath you

and when you realize it is connected

to all other roads you want to do nothing

but travel, travel that grid-road until you get to 

somewhere you find passable, somewhere you never knew

existed until you found the motivation to go out and find it (with

out knowing you would find it in the first place, mind you) but eventually

you put away your ideas and fantasies of a betterness that may or may not be

better in the first place, mind you, when you remember that you have a date you

forgot about until you remembered you can only see so much of that great grid-road.

————

These are all in a very rough form and will surely be edited in the future.  And there are certainly more to come!  

—Ryan 

Someone please explain to me

the appeal of the “*blank* ALL OF THE *blanks*” meme.  It irritates me like a rash.

I’m on a roll tonight, so I might as well add this:

So I started an objectivist folk collective for objectivist folks that may or may not be satirical depending on whether or not you want it to be.  We are Ayn Band.  We have free downloads.  We…are just me, and only two songs are out so far but more still to come!

http://aynband.bandcamp.com/

A Haiku

For http://meatevan.tumblr.com/

On Ricky Tan’s boat

Tucker, Chan, Lee, and Carter

Are all connected

Part 1 in an ongoing series of Rush Hour Haikus

Hello again!

It’s been a while since I’ve actually written anything here, and I know y’all missed me, so here I am again!  

Random musings and things I want to say because I am procrastinating the dickens out of an essay:

-The word awkward is starting to annoy me, despite how much I myself use it.  It’s vicious.  Adversely, I use the word fart too much and am the only one not tired of it yet.

-If you reply to this post I will write a haiku for you on the subject of your choosing, provided of course that subject is Rush Hour 2.  Lately I’ve run into the problem that everything I write somehow ends up being about Rush Hour 2.  No complaints.

-Tell a friend to follow me and I will attempt to write you a sonnet on the topic of your choosing

-Eventually I will actually post part 2 of that Call of Duty thing I did a while back.  Eventually.

-After a nearly two year-long break I have returned to playing The World Ends With You, and I think it’s great.

-There is nothing wrong with peanut butter and jelly.  Ever.

-Suggest something for me to write a rant/essay/anything about and I will do it.

-If you thought I didn’t bring a mini remote controlled helicopter to school with me, you are wrong.

-I think soon I will devote a post to how great the movie Taken is.  This is not a subjective matter.  It is great.

That’s about it for now.  I think you’re awesome.

—Ryan